I trust you.
Such a simple thing to say.
But an incredibly difficult thing to actually mean. Those of you who know me well know that I trust people easily – I will often assume the best until I am proven otherwise. If you prove me wrong it takes me a long time to trust you again. I suppose that’s normal and healthy boundaries…. what I struggle with more is what I will call existential trust.
I’m not sure thats even a thing. Its the only way I can attempt to describe it – trusting in the purpose and greater plan of life and that Someone is watching over it all and actually cares.
I just looked it up – its a thing! If you want some deep reading look it up – the papers written on existential trust are – well you will need some caffeine to be able to read through the really big words.
I don’t know what has me thinking about trust these days. Maybe its because I’m a Pisces and I get more reflective this time of year. Birthdays have a way of doing this. Perhaps its the conflict between public education and the Ontario government that has me thinking about existential things.
I am angry most days that I have never really been trusted as an educator but now the public seems to trust me again – at least for this little while. Some of my close friends and family have never truly supported educators throughout my now 17 year long career – thats a long time to be working against peoples jealously, hatred and bitterness. Its exhausting and confusing. Why would anyone would ever think I chose to spend time and money educating myself – for 5 post secondary years plus an additional 7 courses along the way – just to have my summers “off”. I think people have a hard time believing that there are in fact good educators out there with good intentions. I got into education to pass along the power of a teachable spirit and knowledge. My blood boils (which has kept me warm on the picket lines) thinking about the whole situation. But this is all fleeting…in a few years educators will be hated again by both the government and the public and so the cycle continues. What little trust I had in democracy is shaking at its core. But the education battle isn’t about existential trust…
or is it?
Its sobering really – I’ve taught many lessons on trust and yet I sit here today not able to soak in and apply the very things that I have taught.
It is difficult to trust when you feel like others don’t trust you.
I have moments where I can trust. Moments where I can be fully present and at the same time fully trust that God does in fact have something much greater at work than I can see.
and then there are those days where I don’t…
There are those days where I do not trust that God has things in control – I still believe in His existence – but I question whether or not He cares. I’m not sure that I trust him. Just being honest.
I don’t understand what is going on behind the stage because the play is too loud and it drowns out the sound of any grace that may be part of the scene.
Who trusts who?
We often find ourselves tirelessly climbing because we think we need to fight against our very nature and push against the our natural flow to reach God. To be acceptable. Blameless. Spotless. Yes – we all should strive to be more like Jesus – but are we really the ones moving?
There is no fight to be had. God slipped into human skin and because of the cross – it was finished. The climb is no longer required. God is always coming to us.
My Creator trusts me. That is supposed to be enough. If I can’t see the end I just need to let go and be.
In the deeper darker places you find yourself today, tomorrow or in a future circumstance you would have never expected. You may not trust the people around you or trust the that the situation you are in will work itself out…but God moves mountains you can’t even see.
There is a whisper – the words are simple. Words from your Creator God who knows what you are made of and what you are made for.
“I trust you”.
Acrylic on Canvas (Not for sale – this one is for me!)
teachable spirit. 
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